I’m choosing to be happy. I’m deciding to ignore the flashes of fury that consume my being when I feel threatened that abandonment is near. I’m being mindful and I’m taking note of my emotions, and instead of feeling guilty for them, suppressing them and therefore hating myself, instead I am reasoning with myself, as if talking to my deepest friend. I am showing myself both sides of the story and truly listening to myself. I know from experience that people can be violent and utterly shit. Yet I now know from experience that people can be so loving and kind. I know that they will not hurt me. Of course, the guarded side of my head tells me, ‘stop! You’re falling into the trap again!’ But I’m not. And anyhow, if I am – so what? Surely it’s better to feel true love and be hurt in the end than be too scared to feel anything at all which will lead to an inevitable end of the relationship.
I’m choosing to relax. I’m deciding to smile instead of frown, and choosing to love instead of resent. By giving love, I feel love for myself. I am proud of myself and I am at peace. That high is far more satisfactory than any that pills may offer me.
The above is written when I’m at my best. It’s my aim to feel this most of the time instead of 5% of the time. As long as I stay away from that sink hole I’ll be ok. Perhaps I can find something that’ll permanently plug it.