Then the dark came.

Last night’s episode was I’m pretty sure one of the worst I’ve ever had. I usually can’t remember them when they happen and I definitely can’t remember any of what my partner told me occured last night. I woke up this morning and it took a few minutes before it came flooding back and I knew I’d been appalling.

Apparently we nearly crashed the car. Apparently I took my seatbelt off and tried to get out of the moving vehicle whilst my partner was bringing me home. My forehead is tender and sore today from banging my head on the dashboard and my bottom lip is slightly swollen from where I tried to bite it off. I was saying I wanted to pull my skin off and drag all of my knives over my skin. I was trying to hurt myself so much I was biting my lips and tongue hard, trying to bite them off and my partner had to put his finger in my mouth to stop me. I just bit down on him instead.

I remember none of this. I remember him shouting at me, trying to get through to me and reach me, trying to ward her off. I faintly remember him shouting louder than I’ve ever heard anyone shout, and he wanted to take me to hospital.

She was so horrifically vile last night. I just remember feeling like my insides had turned inside out and a violent twisted demon had decided to take the form of my body. She wanted to kill me and she wanted to harm me. She wanted pain and she wanted torture and she hated me will all of her might. She needed satisfaction in the form of blood and bruises. She needed to gouge my eyeballs out and shatter my skull. She does these things in my dreams but sometimes she needs more than that and she wants to show everyone, not just me, how much power she holds and how much harm she can do, and how much I am not worth being alive.

I looked into borderline personality disorder today. Any of my readers had any experience with that, with themselves or loved ones? I now not only think I need help with that, but I think my partner does too. I think he despairs sometimes when he can’t get through to me and is just dealing with her trying to hurt me. He needed help last night, I know he did. He’s so strong and handles me so well and loves me unconditionally, and he’s getting so much better at knowing how to speak to me and deal with me when I have an episode. He’s truly a blessing, but I know he struggles sometimes. I know there’s help out there for people who have loved ones who suffer.

I hope she’s tired now. I’ve been happy today because she’s been resting, sleeping somewhere inside my head and biding her time most probably. Let’s hope it’s a long time until next time. Who knows.

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