One of my triggers is technology. I hate it. I hate phones, I hate social media, I hate texting, and I hate the fact that people can message people they don’t know because they’re bored, to fulfil a sexual fantasy, to upset their partner or to make them jealous, or just because they have nothing else better to do.
The cause of this intense hatred and therefore the reason it is one of my triggers, is because in every one of my relationships so far, bar my current one (although things have still happened that have made me feel intensely insecure and question my partner), my boyfriend has been unfaithful to me using social media or technology as their main tool. I despise the wretched thing.
I hate the fact that I own a phone. I hate it when someone tells me my phone’s going off or the screen’s lit up. There’s a reason I’m not paying the slightest bit of attention to it – so don’t remind me about the bloody thing, I’m trying to imagine we live in a world where they don’t exist.
I resent how media feeds off us. It throws posts and pictures in our faces every day for us to compare ourselves to, and it’s just not healthy. Instagram can be great, but it’s also the worst. Constant pictures reminding us how our bodies are not how they want them to be, how easily our partners eyes can wander and drink up another female’s body and seemingly ‘not find them attractive’. You’re not blind, my love, of course you appreciate it (Afterthought: I think that’s her talking). The thing is, I feel this material is always on display and now people feel as if it is totally normal, that it doesn’t cut their partners to the core and hurt them, that their loved ones shouldn’t feel so much for it.
Some people get by and don’t mind, but some of us really do. That’s not our fault and we don’t choose to be like that, and by god we try hard no push it all to one side. Our feelings are valid too.
But sometimes I find it too much.
I’m sorry for that, but I can’t help it. I’ve been going through this turmoil of trying to stop those feelings from rearing their ugly heads but I’ve learnt that sometimes I have to sit back, let the emotions wash over me before I try and cage them back in their box in a panic (which in actual fact just fuels the emotions), let them roam and I can think ‘it’s ok. This is not your fault. Be kind to yourself,’ and remind myself that I am allowed to feel like this, it’s not a sin, no matter how much it may annoy my partner.
It’s only really after I do this and let the emotions dissipate on their own in a healthy way, allowing them freedom instead of locking them away where they rage and temper, that I can start thinking for myself again, and She is satisfied that she’s had her fun. I take a deep breath, I remember all of my partner’s words, I trust… And I move on.
God it’s a struggle, it’s painful and it really hurts my chest physically. I want to screw my face up with the effort of trying to stay on the right path in order to get through it, but if I do, then I know next time might be the slightest bit easier, and the next, and the next.
And, fingers crossed, that will make all the difference.