Sleeping problems are rife amongst those struggling with mental elements. For me, it’s either an escape or it only makes me worse. If I wake up and it’s a bad day, or I get home and the world around me is dull and I can feel the onslaught of negativity slowly descend, I typically turn to sleep. The emotions exhaust me so it’s usually an easy thing to fall into.
Sleeping at night is the problem. I have periods of time when I have on average 2-3 nightmares a night. The periods have lasted up to a month and a half at a time before I have say, a week, before the next ones start.
The nightmares are always the same: cheating, betrayal, disloyalty and abandonment. I am abandoned at the drop of a hat. I am thrown out of the house and told me to pack my bags as I am no longer wanted as his lover. Occasionally I realise the disloyalty through technology – his phone lights up and a whole trail of dirty messages reveal themselves, or sometimes he’s even honest and shows me how some beautiful girl has sent him photos of herself and he wants me to know.. yet the dreams lengthen and he becomes bewitched by her beauty and charms that I will never possess.
During the end of my last episode I was having these nightmares as well as dreaming that I was having panic attacks or one of my ‘moments’ when I bang by head against the wall, turn feral and scream. I remember waking up with such utter disgust and dread for the day, as well as being royally pissed off that I couldn’t escape this hell hole even when I was asleep. My mind just wants me to believe the worst and concoct wild scenarios in its free time that turn my blood sour. Even totally exhausting myself so I’m supposed to sleep like a log doesn’t change anything. Waiting it out is the only solution.