No relationship is easy and no matter how much I want this one to be a breeze, know that this one could be your hardest one.
It will also be my hardest one. Please remember that before you, I have simply just run. I have run and attempted to walk hours to get home in the pitch black and rain and I have not regretted it once.
With you it’s different. It’s harder and it’s easier. It’s better and it’s worse. It’s impossible and it’s the thing I want the most. It’s all of these because I know in my gut this is right. I know you’re The One, and I know we can be great. All the while, because I know this, the Devil is on my shoulder planting seeds of doubt and suspicion in my mind constantly, creating evidence from things that haven’t happened and don’t exist that She’s stirred together so vividly it’s impossible to shut them down.
I am so so sorry for this. It’s exhausting for you. I know this.
We can do this. We can do this if She stops creating the problems. We can do this if I commit and understand that your feelings are true and real too. I can’t expect you to be patient with me all the time – I know you can be as tired as I am. You are truly wonderful and I wouldn’t be making any progress without you. I know you hoped it would all disappear once you came around and it seems as if that hasn’t happened. But you forget that you have helped.
My darling, you have helped me more than I could ever have hoped you could. My panic attacks in my sleep have halted, I’ve finally admitted to myself what my mind is doing to me and I’ve seen how self-destructive I can be. You have been so patient and loving, so supportive and generous and I feel I don’t deserve it. I love you so much and every day you are such a blessing.
All I can ask is that you forgive me every time fear takes over and I push you away, each time terror steps in and it takes every ounce of my being to stay put. You’ll see me so tense and consumed by anger and wild frustration I pull my hair out or rip the bed sheets and I’ll only know I’ve done that because you tell me I have later once I’m finally calm. You’ll be faced with me screaming that you must hate me and She’s so loud in my ears that all I can do is scream over and over into a pillow. She is so loud and all-consuming that sometimes I don’t realise that She is all I can hear – I think She is Me. But we are not the same and She only spouts lies. It’s all I can do to shut Her down and I’m sorry that sometimes I fail, but Her strength is too much when She’s managed to sneak in and transform my mind into something scary and unrecognisable.
I can’t apologise enough for the fact that you have to be there for that. I know you feel powerless to end my torment and I understand it may weaken you for a while – it’s exhausting and your helplessness is valid. I know this.
This won’t be impossible unless I let it be so. And at the end of the day I can’t let Her win. She may consume my brain and ruin friendships and hours of my day, sometimes entire days on end, but She will not take you away from me. I may be afraid of you being taken away from me because of someone else, but the only person who will take you away from me is Her, the voice in my head. I am fighting her my love, I really am. Please trust that.
And in time I will be rid of Her and She will be a memory, and all of our dreams will be reality and I will wholeheartedly trust.
Just bear with me honey. I’ll get there I promise.