Oxygen

Im treading water with huge weights tethered to my ankles and wrists. I’m desperately trying to keep my chin above the water with the undulating waters smacking against my chin and splashing my face, the salt water stinging my eyes as they burn and shrivel in their sockets. The only thing keeping me alive is …

Masked

It’s that feeling when I make a friend laugh and I’ve got to fight the urge to cry because I’ve made them happy. They look so genuinely pleased because of me it’s overwhelming. Just like when I make you genuinely laugh or smile - I can’t help but stare and something surges in my stomach. …

Choice.

I'm choosing to be happy. I'm deciding to ignore the flashes of fury that consume my being when I feel threatened that abandonment is near. I'm being mindful and I'm taking note of my emotions, and instead of feeling guilty for them, suppressing them and therefore hating myself, instead I am reasoning with myself, as …

Love.

Love is a word that is thrown around a hell of a lot these days. People use it to exaggerate, dramatise and amplify a situation. They use it in everyday speech and use it often. That's fine. But what happened to real adjectives? Why do we use such a limited selection of our vocabulary and …

Relief

Just a short one, but I thought it was important to write down for some reason. Whenever I have a one track mind and I'm not thinking of everything at once, and when the paranoia has left the room, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. It's like I've just taken some sort of incredibly …

Outdoor therapy

I was really struggling at the beginning of the year. My mind would drown in long periods of cloudiness and I felt constantly outside of my body, not feeling anything, not interested in anything and having no motivation to do anything, even with the person I love most. The only thing I could feel was …

Hating me

I feel like he hates me again. I thought he's been on my level the last few days, and maybe he still is, but I feel like he hates me again and he finds my problems annoying. If he does then that's fine - that's completely understandable and I can make my own way. I …

My Abuser

When you have had nothing to compare it to and your first relationship is emotionally abusive, it's natural to think it's normal. People who may know me and read my blog posts may not like to read some of the material I write here. My voice here is my rational voice. It is honest and …